Shy
Sometimes when friends are around, I'd really like Ellie to do some "performing". Like playing a piano piece, do some dancing or showing her pictures. She's doing quite well in these things, (she played piano in the opera house last year), but most of the time she'd just play shy. But when she does play, she'd bring so much joy to my heart and of course the friends will be entertained as well. Sometimes it really bugs me when she just wants to be shy, especially in dancing. Although she loves dancing and she goes to dance lessons every day, she wouldn't just dance for everyone(including me). But once in church during praise and worship time, she danced in the spirit(she thought no one was watching), and it was so beautiful I could hardly breathe. Our pastor saw the annointing on her and asked her to get on the stage to dance....and that was it, she froze up.
I know she has beautiful gifts and talents. I wish she could just be totally free and wanting to express herself fully. But this shyness has covered the most of her talent up. Sometimes I feel sad. I can't blame her. I'm extremely shy myself. I grew up in a culture that says shyness is the beauty and virtue of human beings, especially for the females. Shyness has rooted so deeply in my upbringing, and it was encouraged and nurtured all the way in the education system. For example, in a lot of the literatures, a shy woman is always beautiful and of good virture, while a woman that's not shy would most likely to be whores.
But looking at Ellie I start to think how God will feel about me. He must be feeling so frustrated with me sometimes. I could almost feel Him saying,"look, I've put so much of Me in you, I've trained you, and I've given you gifts and talents. Now l'd really like you to show them to my friends so that you could be a blessing to them. But this shyness has just taken the most beautiful gifts away and it hurts Me to see that."
Hmmm, I start to realise how serious this can be. It's a sin. It's not a virtue, but a stealer, a robber and a killer of the most beautiful creativity that God has put within us.
It grieves the Holy Spirit as He can't move freely through us. It's a blockage of the channel of blessings. I can almost feel a voice inside of me that's yelling, "I want to be free, I want to be free! Let me live out, let me be a blessing!"
Sooo, please pray for me! It's not gonna be easy, but I really want to get rid of this baggage.
Monday, February 23, 2004
