I had a dream last Thursday morning. In the dream I was watching TV and flipping channels. And then there's this movie that I watched years ago called the nightmare or something like that, about some girls being trapped in a prison for wrong reasons and being mistreated and tortured. It was a horror scene. And my kids were around. I said to myself, oh no, this is no good for the children, must change it. So I tried to change channel, or switch to video, or just to turn it off, but nothing worked, the horror scene kept coming back, and the kids were watching... and I was terrified...Then I woke up.
Strangely enough, later that morning I went to church(Hillsong Women). There's a famous guest speaker(I forgot her name, maybe it's Diana) who was trapped in taliban prison for about 3 months during September 11 period of time. She shared her experiences in the prison and how she was walking with God closely during that time and that psalm 91 had become such a reality for her.
At the end she said something which is quite thought provoking to me. She said, in the eyes(or centre) of the tornados there's peace and freedom. You can be in prison, but your spirit is free. Then she mentioned that there are lots of people here, your bodies are free, but your spirits are in prison.
This really caught me thinking. What she has experienced in Taliban prison and the muslin country is no big drama to me. I come from a background where Christians are tortured and human rights are trampled. I know of plenty people being tortured. My closest friend turned out to be a spy and turned me to the police. From an outsider, even from my husband, this is all horror. But in the midst of the horror, I had plenty of freedom. Spiritual freedom. I went to 8 meetings in a week apart from full time job, and I saw miracles happening all the time.
But then I came to a supposely free country. And I found that my spirit was locked behind a prison. I bump into walls wherever I go.
A lot of the times I desire to go back. I want to go back to the mission field. I want to go back where I know all my gifts and talents can be utilised to the full potential. But when I think about my kids, I draw back. Yes, there is horror, there is danger, there is tornado. And they are real.
But I think God is telling me throught that dream, No, you can't take these away from your children. This is life. And this is real blessing. Would you dare believing psalm 91 for your children or would you want them to miss out on the thrills of real great blessing?
I feel there's a fresh, new calling in my life, to go back to the mission field where I belong. But I think it's still in the early stage, the voice is gentle and whispering, rather than loud and strong.